This has been on my mind for a very long time and, at the risk of being banned from all my Star Wars forums, I think it's about time I shared it: Obi-Wan Kenobi is a conniving rat-bastard. In fact, after much reflection, I believe he is the true Phantom Menace that spans the entire Star Wars Saga.
Oh, sure, he didn't start out that way. Not at all. Like most young Jedi Padawans he was an eager, do-gooder following his Master's every whim without hesitation. Posing as diplomats he followed Qui-Gon Jin into an obvious and potentially deadly trap above the planet Naboo without even breaking a sweat. He didn't question his Master's judgement, unlike the rest of us, when they hooked up with the Gungan idiot known as Jar Jar Binks on Naboo. And when they were forced to make an emergency landing on Tatooine he sat with the ship like a good boy while his Master gallivanted around town, dining with locals and gambling at sporting events. These few examples speak of his kind and exceedingly loyal character which is, ultimately, the fruit that spoils and turns bitter.
When does it happen? Truthfully I don't think the moment is actually on screen but I am certain a sense of worry started to fester the moment Obi-Wan realized his master had found someone with an off-the-chart Midichlorian count. The distain is evident in his words after the Boonta Eve Classic podrace where Qui-Gon announces he is "going back for unfinished business and won't be long".
"Why do I sense we have picked up another pathetic life-form?"
It's at the 1:11:22 mark on The Phantom Menace DVD and don't let that half-smile fool you. Obi-Wan knows his days as Master's Pet are numbered.
Skip to the 1:29:22 mark on the same DVD. Obi-Wan tries to persuade Qui-Gon into forgetting about Anakin. "He's too old", he says. "He will not pass the council's tests, Master." It's nothing but salt on the wounds when Qui-Gon replies, "Anakin will become a Jedi, I promise you." Yeah, twist that knife you pompous old goat.
So there it begins. After years of being the loyal dog Obi-Wan is cast aside for "The Chosen One", in front of the Jedi council no less, when Qui-Gon insists he will train Anakin (1:33:33). To make matters worse he loses any opportunity for closure when a tattooed Sith kills his callous mentor and leaves him with nothing but the task of training the boy himself. The boy who came between him and his Master. The boy who stands on the pedestal of "The Chosen One". The boy who is undeniably irritating to have any sort of conversation with.
What does a calm and collected young Jedi do at this point? He plots. That's what he does. He plots and he waits because the future is filled with twisted opportunities. I'll break those opportunities down for you now that I have established the motive.
Attack of the Clones
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Obi-Wan and Anakin are like two peas in a pod. The deception has been mastered over the course of ten years and Anakin is none the wiser. It would not shock me if Anakin's Padawan duties included scrubbing toilets and trimming Obi-Wan' excess hair. "You will learn your place young one."
Picking away at the weak points. Obi-Wan can't simply kill Anakin as it wouldn't fare well to be known as the Jedi who offed "The Chosen One". Instead he constantly belittles and criticizes Anakin's progression as a Padawan. Anakin's own words: "I'm ready for the trials. But he feels that I'm too unpredictable. He won't let me move on. He's overly critical. He never listens, he doesn't understand. It's not fair." "He's Holding me back."
Get the Girl. Nothing cuts deeper than undermining the affections of a woman. Obi-Wan knows Anakin is sweet on Padme and lets the relationship blossom in secrecy for use at a later time.
An Eye for an Eye. Anakin took Obi-Wan's Master so Obi-Wan took Anakin's mother. According to the tale told by Cliegg Lars it was a band of Tusken Raiders that kidnapped Anakin's Mother Shmi. I say Obi-Wan paid to have them do it. He's very familiar with the seedy characters in the Uscru Entertainment District of Coruscant so the ability to hire thugs is not out of his means. It's evil genius.
Get Somebody Else To Do Your Dirty Work. Great idea. Fake an injury and let Count Dooku take a crack at "The Chosen One". Even Dooku comments on how surprisingly lackluster Obi-Wan's skills are during the climactic confrontation. If Yoda hadn't intervened the plan would have gone off without a hitch and Anakin would have lost more than an arm.
Revenge of the Sith
Let's Try That Again. The Dooku idea was so good Obi-Wan tries it again only this time he allows himself to get pinned under some falling debris and conveniently goes unconscious. One might begin to think Kenobi and Dooku have some sort of a side deal going on. Unfortunately Anakin has gotten stronger with his angry ways and actually defeats The Count. Crap.
Second Verse, Same as The First. Again the gist of the plot is to constantly make Anakin feel unworthy. Screw with him. Stick him with the Poster Boy duties rather than important Jedi matters. Getting Anakin's "Master" title denied though granting him a position on the council is icing on the cake. Obi-Wan can barely stifle a laugh when that happens.
Breaking the Code. Padme is the ace up Obi-Wan's sleeve. His secret weapon. Watch the signs. Padme has a reason for not telling Anakin she's having twins: They might be Obi-Wan's kids (or at least one of them). Seriously. She's either deliberately keeping the secret until she knows for certain or she has the worst obstetrician in the entire universe. Basic prenatal care would have shown that she had twins without a doubt. You see? Anakin has a right to be suspicious when he questions her about Obi-Wan's solo visits. The truth is revealed on the Mustafar platform as Obi-Wan's treachery pulls the rug out from under Anakin. "Liar! You are with him! You brought him here to kill me!", bellows Anakin. Obi-Wan actually succeeds in crushing Anakin's heart and gets him to force-choke most of the life out of his true love. Breaking Guy-Code is simply devious and it cuts much deeper than any lightsabre.
Let Him Burn. Forget about the long-winded battle through the lava fields of Mustafar. The point of this is that having defeated Anakin, Obi-Wan let's Anakin burn. Literally. He could have been merciful and killed him outright instead of just loping off all his limbs. Nope. Obi-Wan just turns his back and walks away while Anakin bursts into flames on the bank of a lava filled river. And the anguish in Obi-Wan's voice when he cries out, "You were The Chosen One" is not really about the course of the Jedi. It is the repressed torment of having been replaced so long ago.
I told you he was a rat-bastard.
But it doesn't end there. Anakin survives the barbeque of the prequels and lives on under the protection of the Empire as Darth Vader. I'll talk about Obi-Wan's continued quest to settle the score during the Original Trilogy tomorrow. The lies and deceit are extra awesome.
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