Obi-Wan is a Rat-Bastard

This has been on my mind for a very long time and, at the risk of being banned from all my Star Wars forums, I think it's about time I shared it: Obi-Wan Kenobi is a conniving rat-bastard. In fact, after much reflection, I believe he is the true Phantom Menace that spans the entire Star Wars Saga.

Oh, sure, he didn't start out that way. Not at all. Like most young Jedi Padawans he was an eager, do-gooder following his Master's every whim without hesitation. Posing as diplomats he followed Qui-Gon Jin into an obvious and potentially deadly trap above the planet Naboo without even breaking a sweat. He didn't question his Master's judgement, unlike the rest of us, when they hooked up with the Gungan idiot known as Jar Jar Binks on Naboo. And when they were forced to make an emergency landing on Tatooine he sat with the ship like a good boy while his Master gallivanted around town, dining with locals and gambling at sporting events. These few examples speak of his kind and exceedingly loyal character which is, ultimately, the fruit that spoils and turns bitter.

When does it happen? Truthfully I don't think the moment is actually on screen but I am certain a sense of worry started to fester the moment Obi-Wan realized his master had found someone with an off-the-chart Midichlorian count. The distain is evident in his words after the Boonta Eve Classic podrace where Qui-Gon announces he is "going back for unfinished business and won't be long".

"Why do I sense we have picked up another pathetic life-form?"

It's at the 1:11:22 mark on The Phantom Menace DVD and don't let that half-smile fool you. Obi-Wan knows his days as Master's Pet are numbered.

Skip to the 1:29:22 mark on the same DVD. Obi-Wan tries to persuade Qui-Gon into forgetting about Anakin. "He's too old", he says. "He will not pass the council's tests, Master." It's nothing but salt on the wounds when Qui-Gon replies, "Anakin will become a Jedi, I promise you." Yeah, twist that knife you pompous old goat.

So there it begins. After years of being the loyal dog Obi-Wan is cast aside for "The Chosen One", in front of the Jedi council no less, when Qui-Gon insists he will train Anakin (1:33:33). To make matters worse he loses any opportunity for closure when a tattooed Sith kills his callous mentor and leaves him with nothing but the task of training the boy himself. The boy who came between him and his Master. The boy who stands on the pedestal of "The Chosen One". The boy who is undeniably irritating to have any sort of conversation with.

What does a calm and collected young Jedi do at this point? He plots. That's what he does. He plots and he waits because the future is filled with twisted opportunities. I'll break those opportunities down for you now that I have established the motive.

Attack of the Clones

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Obi-Wan and Anakin are like two peas in a pod. The deception has been mastered over the course of ten years and Anakin is none the wiser. It would not shock me if Anakin's Padawan duties included scrubbing toilets and trimming Obi-Wan' excess hair. "You will learn your place young one."

Picking away at the weak points. Obi-Wan can't simply kill Anakin as it wouldn't fare well to be known as the Jedi who offed "The Chosen One". Instead he constantly belittles and criticizes Anakin's progression as a Padawan. Anakin's own words: "I'm ready for the trials. But he feels that I'm too unpredictable. He won't let me move on. He's overly critical. He never listens, he doesn't understand. It's not fair." "He's Holding me back."

Get the Girl. Nothing cuts deeper than undermining the affections of a woman. Obi-Wan knows Anakin is sweet on Padme and lets the relationship blossom in secrecy for use at a later time.

An Eye for an Eye. Anakin took Obi-Wan's Master so Obi-Wan took Anakin's mother. According to the tale told by Cliegg Lars it was a band of Tusken Raiders that kidnapped Anakin's Mother Shmi. I say Obi-Wan paid to have them do it. He's very familiar with the seedy characters in the Uscru Entertainment District of Coruscant so the ability to hire thugs is not out of his means. It's evil genius.

Get Somebody Else To Do Your Dirty Work. Great idea. Fake an injury and let Count Dooku take a crack at "The Chosen One". Even Dooku comments on how surprisingly lackluster Obi-Wan's skills are during the climactic confrontation. If Yoda hadn't intervened the plan would have gone off without a hitch and Anakin would have lost more than an arm.

Revenge of the Sith

Let's Try That Again. The Dooku idea was so good Obi-Wan tries it again only this time he allows himself to get pinned under some falling debris and conveniently goes unconscious. One might begin to think Kenobi and Dooku have some sort of a side deal going on. Unfortunately Anakin has gotten stronger with his angry ways and actually defeats The Count. Crap.

Second Verse, Same as The First. Again the gist of the plot is to constantly make Anakin feel unworthy. Screw with him. Stick him with the Poster Boy duties rather than important Jedi matters. Getting Anakin's "Master" title denied though granting him a position on the council is icing on the cake. Obi-Wan can barely stifle a laugh when that happens.

Breaking the Code. Padme is the ace up Obi-Wan's sleeve. His secret weapon. Watch the signs. Padme has a reason for not telling Anakin she's having twins: They might be Obi-Wan's kids (or at least one of them). Seriously. She's either deliberately keeping the secret until she knows for certain or she has the worst obstetrician in the entire universe. Basic prenatal care would have shown that she had twins without a doubt. You see? Anakin has a right to be suspicious when he questions her about Obi-Wan's solo visits. The truth is revealed on the Mustafar platform as Obi-Wan's treachery pulls the rug out from under Anakin. "Liar! You are with him! You brought him here to kill me!", bellows Anakin. Obi-Wan actually succeeds in crushing Anakin's heart and gets him to force-choke most of the life out of his true love. Breaking Guy-Code is simply devious and it cuts much deeper than any lightsabre.

Let Him Burn. Forget about the long-winded battle through the lava fields of Mustafar. The point of this is that having defeated Anakin, Obi-Wan let's Anakin burn. Literally. He could have been merciful and killed him outright instead of just loping off all his limbs. Nope. Obi-Wan just turns his back and walks away while Anakin bursts into flames on the bank of a lava filled river. And the anguish in Obi-Wan's voice when he cries out, "You were The Chosen One" is not really about the course of the Jedi. It is the repressed torment of having been replaced so long ago.

I told you he was a rat-bastard.

But it doesn't end there. Anakin survives the barbeque of the prequels and lives on under the protection of the Empire as Darth Vader. I'll talk about Obi-Wan's continued quest to settle the score during the Original Trilogy tomorrow. The lies and deceit are extra awesome.

Out of the Blu

Put your Stormtrooper helmets on folks... it's gettin' ugly out there.

As the North American release date for the Star Wars Complete Saga Blu-ray Edition looms near the internet is sizzling with more cross-fire than the orbit around Coruscant at the opening of Revenge of the Sith. Uber FanBoys are screaming about the changes to their sacred films (most specifically the Original Trilogy) and September 19th is beginning to sound like it will be The Day of Reckoning.

The pot is being stirred for certain. YouTube clips are popping up everywhere touting supposed changes to the films with everything from altered soundtracks to digitally enhanced Ewok eyes. George Lucas has apparently gone mad and the backlash could surpass that of the 1999 Jar Jar Binks fiasco. Meesa worried big time! Not.

Me? I'm a wait and see kind of guy. I live by the X-Files code: "Trust no one", and, "The truth is out there."

I will not tell a lie and say I wasn't in the long line of pitch-fork wielding fans demanding the head of Binks after having waited 15 years for a new Star Wars movie only to be given the giant turd called The Phantom Menace. There is no way around it. That movie sucked and sucked hard. If feel bad for the generation that grew up thinking that was Star Wars. But that's all behind me now. I've mellowed with my attitude about the franchise. Heck, I can even go so far as to say I like Jar Jar as a character in the Clone Wars series. See? I'm as cool as Lando in a Bespin breeze about it all.

So what is the big deal? Why do so many people have their intergalactic panties in a bunch? Are any of these changes worse than all the burping and farting creatures in the original edit of Return of the Jedi? Seriously, the ice had cracked a long, long time ago with the implementation of such juvenile gags and killer teddy bears. And aren't we already numb to Lucas's editing antics after the Special Editions? Forgotten have we the smattering of extra burps and Three Stooges humor which tie the Original Trilogy in so seamlessly with the masterpieces that are the Prequels. No, I am very confident that none of these 2011 edits will even graze the tender nerve Lucas struck when he made Han Solo a pussy by having him shoot in self-defense. There is no more down when you've already hit rock bottom and I plan on grabbing my Blu-ray edition come September 19th for an elevator ride up.

Of course, we will all get the chance to see what rock bottom looks like in 3D when February 10, 2012 rolls around... if you can stay awake.

Surviving the FanExpo

I must be getting old. Two solid days of the FanExpo and I'm beat. My feet are tired and my back is killing me but you can bet your moisture farm I'll be doing it again next year. Maybe it's the flea-market atmosphere, the exclusives, the talented artists in Artists Alley, the big name celebrities or the crazy fans all dressed up in their fantasy costumes but whatever it is it is just plain fun.

Yes, there was a little something for everyone. Hasbro, Sony, Marvel, DC Comics and a slew of other big names from the toy and entertainment industry were there to show of their wares and lend support to their fans. Free T-Shirts. Free comics. Free iTunes downloads. Free Kre-os (Hasbro's version of Lego). Game demos. Panel discussions. It was all there for the taking.

For me the highlights of the weekend were meeting Gary Kurtz (Star Wars producer), Anthony Daniels (C-3P0) and William Shatner (a man who needs no introduction). I had only planned on getting autographs from Kurz and Daniels but by Sunday afternoon I caved and got in line for Shatner. I still think $80 is more than double what any celebrity should be charging for their autograph but I just couldn't let another opportunity go by and so up to the Shatner booth I marched. I also attended his Q&A session later Sunday afternoon which was very entertaining. He's a great speaker. I may big a bigger Star Wars fan but Captain Kirk is The Man on an intergalactic scale. Don't let anybody tell you different.


People watching is also one of the entertainment factors of the FanExpo. Some costumes are unbelievable, some are laughable and some (well actually quite a few) are barely there.

There were Star Wars fans,


Super Heroes,


Girls with big guns,


and a whole whack-a-doodle of Anime fans. (They are the crazy ones if you need any sort of heads-up when going to one of these expos.)


I keep telling myself that one of these years I'm going to actually go in costume. This was my fifth year of attendance and I still haven't mustered up that kind of courage nor made a valiant effort to actually get my Clonetrooper armour. Who knows? Maybe having gotten so close to William Shatner has changed me. Maybe I'll finally have the courage to boldly go where I've never gone before.

The FanExpo Begins!

I managed to make it down to the FanExpo tonight after work with just under two hours left in the day. First and foremost I wanted to pick up my Deluxe Pass so that I wasn't stuck in the long entry lines on Saturday morning. Last year I waited in line behind some guy in an ill-fitting Spider-Man cosutme. Loose spandex I can handle; Extra tight spandex on a doughy fanboy isn't worth the price of admission.

The next big thing on my agenda was to pick up the K-Mart Exclusive B-Wing fighter that Hasbro was offering to FanExpo patrons. Word on the street was that there was only a limited quantity available and I was slightly concerned about not getting one.

Well, I got one.


The B-Wing was one of my favorite ships and until now I never had one in my collection. This Exclusive is essentially the same vehicle released a couple of years ago with an Expanded Universe paint application. I'm not big on the EU for a bunch of reasons and I passed on that B-Wing in hopes of a movie version down the road. The biggest difference with this Return of the Jedi ship is the upgraded and highly detailed cockpit and the blue-grey paint application. Good things come to those who wait.


The cockpit has more molded detailing with added flight-control grips that actually swivel in and out.

The biggest concern, raised most recently by the vintage Toys R Us Exclusive Y-Wing, was how the pilot would actually fit into this new cockpit. The Y-Wing requires some specific leg positioning for the current pilots and considerable force is needed to squeeze them into the seat. Fortunately there is enough room with in new B-Wing cockpit to seat him properly without much fuss. I have wookie hands so my fingers were a tad fumbley on the first attempt as I tried to work around the canopy and the rotating cockpit made me curse a few times but all was good in the end. Palso Thern, the B-Wing pilot from the Battle Over Endor battle pack, has a sweet new ride.

The Return of Carrie Fisher

Everybody gets older and we all have our bad habits that seem to speed up the process. Potato chips are my weakness. Lately they've found a nice comfy home right around my belt line and I'll be the first to admit it's time to go back to the gym. Unfortunately, for some, lavish lifestyles, alcohol and drugs put aging into hyperdrive and Carrie Fisher is a prime example. I watched her "Wishful drinking" one woman show and listened to the pitfalls of her life and understood that she was up against more than just the curse of the "Gold Bikini" legend. Still, any time I saw her, I couldn't help but feel like the little kid staring at an empty ice-cream cone while a double scoop of mint-chip melts slowly on the pavement. My brain couldn't put two and two together (or simply refused to). What had happened?

Fifty pounds, apparently.

Well, today, Carrie Fisher unveiled her new look after several months on the Jenny Craig program as their official spokesperson. To quote Darth Vader: "Most impressive". People are yammering about Botox, collagen injections, skin tucks and what not but, honestly, when you wreck your car you're bound to need a little more TLC than just a trip through the car wash. Anything to get her up and running again. I'm okay with it. Think of this as the Carrie Fisher "Special Edition" with restored quality and a bit of bonus material.



The best part is that now when I look at her I see an older version of the Carrie Fisher I remember from my youth instead of a woman that invokes the question, "That's Carrie Fisher?"

Congratulations, Carrie. You've done well.

Vader-style

I love that Walmart carries cheap Star Wars shirts!

New Battle Packs have arrived

I'm not a huge fan of Battle Packs as they tend to be a rehash of figures you already have and the price point is set relatively high by comparison to single carded figures which are generally available on sale. A year ago, and even further back, Battle Packs used to come with 4 figures and maybe an accessory for an average price of $29.99. Most of the time you could get 1 unique figure and 3 repaints within the set. Now the Battle Packs have been trimmed back to 3 figures for the same price tag which is incredibly expensive by my standards. You still get 1 unique figure per pack but the other two in the box are still just repaints. I'm not even going to count the Battle Game cards and accessories as value simply because I think anyone in their right mind would rather have a fourth figure over those pack-in pieces.

The newest waves of Battle Packs include Defend Kamino, Assault on Geonosis, Cad Bane's Escape and The Hunt for Grievous. If the price on these drop under $20 they are certainly worth picking up as the character selections are pretty decent and the modifications to the repacked figures are noticeably different to the originals.

I did pick up Defend Kamino (there's a sale on right now) because it featured ARC Commander Blitz, who is new, and repaints of Clone Troopers Fives and Echo who are fan favourites in the series. The blue on Echo and Fives is a lot lighter than the Rishi Moon armour blue but I don't recall if the Kamino blue was as such or if it is just a paint app screw up. I would need to re-watch the Kamino episode or find my original figures... both of which I am too lazy to do at the moment. I'll revisit this post at a later date.

**Update: So the good news is that, aside from Clone Trooper Echo, the other Rishi Moon rookies (Fives, Hevy, Droidbait and Cutup) have not had a carded release in Clone Trooper armour. Hevy was released in Training Gear and the lone clone released in the 2010 Rishi Outpost Attack Battle Pack is not officially identified. This means Clone Trooper Fives is all new (well the paint app and head sculpt are) and Clone Trooper Echo has a new paint application. The Defend Kamino Battle Pack is based on Season 3: Episode 2 where in the end Fives and Echo are promoted to ARC Troopers. I would expect we will get ARC Trooper versions of both of these characters down the road as they returned in Season 3: Episode 19 in their new ARC Trooper gear.